The Convention to End All Conventions (but hopefully won't)

A couple of weeks ago was a very important week for anyone interested in or involved with games. The week of June 16th was the Electronic Entertainment Expo (or E3 for short), which is a convention dedicated to the the video games coming out in the coming years. Companies large and small showcase what they have spent the last 2-5 years developing (to give an arbitrary time frame) in the hopes that games around the world will take interesting it in. For the most part everything shown at E3 is all thrilling to see, and showcases the next level of gaming. This year was particularly exciting to watch, for what little of it I've seen so far, as the current gen of consoles is just over a year old. In the first year of the current gen (or any generation) is more about trying out them out, and ironing out any kinks with the programming. With that year over, companies can now explore what the current generation of systems can do. While they may not be pushing the limits as far as they can go, we'll get to see a lot more of what the systems can do.

So I've spent way too much time talking about what we might see at E3 (or really what has been seen since it happened a couple weeks ago!), perhaps it's time to actually go into what was there. Unfortunately I've only been able to see a few of the press conferences as life and day jobs seem to always get the in the way. There is also a lot of details to go through, far more than I could ever write in one post! Instead, I will be going through the videos bit by bit and writing up what I see, learn, and what my opinions are on everything. Hopefully you'll enjoy learning about the next year of gaming as much as I will!

New Beginnings

In recent weeks (ok months), I've thought a lot about my career and whether or not I would like to keep pursing it. The answer has been a resounding "NO.", which leaves me with a rather difficult choice to make. I've been in the field of Computer Science (or Software Engineering, or Programming depending on who you ask), for almost 5 1/2 years, after getting my Masters in Computer Science. I took my first programming class Freshman year of High School, so if you add that up I've been programming for about (six plus four, carry the two, got it) 16 years rounded up. That's more than half of my life devoted to this field, and yet I find myself not enjoying it at all. With so much of my life spent towards Computer Science, what else do I want to do? What else CAN I do? Embarking on a new career is no easy task, especially any that would require a different degree or education. Add onto that the experience most jobs require, and you're looking at another 5-10 years just to get anywhere in a new field! While I'm not one to turn people away from exploring new fields of interest, it can be a daunting task, especially when one still needs to meet financial obligations.

TL;DR, With the magnanimous decision of a new career placed before me, I decided the best place to start would be to think about what I enjoy the most. What do I want to spend my time doing, or find myself drawn to? The answer came to me quickly and is fairly obvious. I want to be part of the video game industry. I've been playing video games for as long as I can remember, and they're the reason I first got into programming. When I come home from work, I look forward to playing more games, whether it's progressing in an RPG, playing co-op with friends, or trying out a new game that I just purchased. I've been to PAX East twice (unfortunately only twice!), and regardless what booths I visit I enjoy just experiencing it. The energy, the atmosphere, the excitement is palpable, and something I look forward to for the whole year.

So I've decided on the industry that I'd like to get into, but an industry can consist of many different parts. The most obvious way for me to join would be through programming games, given my extensive programming background, but given my current feelings to any code-related may not be sustainable. That leads to the purpose of this blog post (took long enough to get here!), and the reason for me starting to blog after over 4 years being absent. Some people make their lives around playing games and reviewing them, and since I play games all the time I decided that I should write about my experiences and exploits! Most likely nothing will come of it, but perhaps someone will read a fantastic adventure I've had and decide to give a new game a chance. Regardless, this will give me a new outlet and focus while I explore the exciting realm of gaming journalism. See you all online!

“Pure logic is the ruin of the spirit.” - Antoine de Saint-Exupery

Humans are creatures of emotion, there is no denying it. Without emotion, we would be nothing more than a calculating machine, little more than a computer made out of flesh and blood. Without emotion, we would have no purpose in life. What point would there be to reaching for the stars if their beauty did not fill our hearts with such wonderment? What would be the point of risking our lives  for those around us, if we did not ache at their pain?


Yet, even though our emotions give so much meaning to our lives, they can cause us so much grief. When a loved one dies, when those we care about turn their backs on us, we are filled with so much pain. This pain can stay with us for days, filling our every thought and hindering our lives. Our what of longing? Why must we crave what is seemingly beyond our reach, why must we put so much effort into attaining it when it might slip out of our grasp in the end? Might we be better served without emotion? As Spock would say, "We disposed of emotion, Doctor. Where there is no emotion, there is no motive for violence." 


However, despite the seeming disadvantages of emotion, I would argue that our emotions are one of our greatest assets. While the Vulcans in Star Trek aspire to be rid of their emotions so that logic is the ruling factor in their decisions, they did so because their emotions were so overwhelming, so beyond their control that their entire species was driven to centuries of war because of it. As all good sci-fi does, the Vulcans reflect a side of humanity, the argument of logic over emotion.


In truth, ridding ourselves of emotion is not the answer. Emotion is in everything we do. While it lures us with empty promises, and false hopes, it also drives us to protect those we care about, it pushes us to do our very best. Instead of trying to escape our emotions, we should understand them and learn from them. Why do we feel the things we do?

I for one, have found myself feeling all sorts of conflicting emotions in the past year. I tried to sort them out, but I haven't given myself much direction. In a series of following posts, I plan on talking about different emotions. Specifically, what I think they represent, and how I feel it affects me. When this is all done, maybe I'll have more answers. Perhaps you will, too.

Apologies

Ok. I'm sorry. I said I would do it, and I didn't. I'd like to say it won't happen again, except it probably will. I'm lazy. When I do drag myself to do something, it's not usually very productive. That's just who I am. I've tried to fix it, I really have. And I'll keep trying to fix it, but that doesn't mean everything will be fine overnight. Please, don't get mad. I know I probably deserve it, but I never meant to leave you hanging. I know I've said that before. No, I can't promise this time will be different. I know it probably doesn't mean much anymore, but I am telling you, and I mean every word of it, I will try to post more. I've been thinking a lot about it lately, because it has bothered me more. I wish I could have been better to begin with, but I kept telling myself, "I'll post later". I can't keep telling myself that anymore, and I've got to start doing it. So, I'm going to make the effort, starting tonight right now. One post, coming up.

Questions

Questions, questions questions, why do you haunt me so?

Keeping Quota

I was sitting down at my computer, writing up some code and chatting with friends, when I remembered that I hadn't made a blog post in a while. I'm trying not to slack on my blog too much; it holds me to writing every now and then. Unfortunately I'm not really feeling a good mood coalesce in my head right now, so I shall through these words up into the webbisphere to keep up with posting with my blog. Bleh, there it goes.

Transformations Part 1: I Have the Power!

In an earlier post, I detailed the events that led me to discover my condition. As I stated, I really had no idea how huge an impact my condition had had on my life, and thought the treatment would have an affect akin to my allergy medication. Overall, I would feel no different, but I might be able to avoid some times where I was feeling particularly downtrodden. While I had been prescribed a dosage of my pill, I was told that I should return to the doctor every month for the next couple of months to get it fine tuned. This made sense to me, as even my allergy medication has changed dosage over the years I have taken it. Over the next couple of months I didn't notice any big changes, and I got my thyroid levels tested again as per the doctors orders. My dosage did drop a bit, which made me a feel a bit better as I would not be taking a more concentrated pill (the less medication I need to take the better in my opinion).

During this time I able to procure another job, one more suited to the education (or lack thereof) that I received over the past 6 years. During this time, the winter of 2010 to be precise, I was paying close attention to how I felt, trying to see if there was any noticeable change. The only change that my body seemed to go under though, was a pain in my knees. They didn't seem to want to hold my weight anymore, and I would struggle walking down stairs or even running. This disturbed, as I thought I was supposed to be feeling better with this medication. However, true to my nature, I did not immediately call the doctor, and just ignored it like some ache that will go away.

Winter turned into spring and I got my first apartment, giving me the first opportunity to really live on my own. The weather started to warm up, giving everyone the chance to enjoy the outside once more. It was during this time that I really started to notice the changes to my system. The pain in my knees had finally gone away, leaving me with no indication of why I had it, and I started walking outside a lot more. It was warm and sunny, and I felt like I was breathing fresh air for the first time. When I walked, I felt like I could burst forward at any moment, freely running just for the sake of it. I had not run in a very long time, and it felt good to feel that energy again. On some occasions, I would sprint down the sidewalk to my destination, I'm sure to everyone's puzzlement. If I was trying to catch a train and saw it arriving as I entered the station, I could run and catch it! My whole body seemed to tremble with energy, bringing me back to my childhood days of climbing trees and swinging on monkey bars. I was born again, and the world was so much more this time around!

The increased energy was the most prominent change, and the most welcome. Unfortunately, the energy showed itself in aspects other than physical exertion. I would soon find myself struggling to control emotions that I had thought were managed...

Dear Diary: Writing Challenge from Kit Fox

Day 123 in the Yerta Season of the Hessinan Year
My searches have turned up nothing so far, but I still believe I am on the right track. The academy masters still scold me for what they call "sacrilegious investigations". They worship the Predecessors like Gods, and will not tolerate anyone thinking otherwise. If it were not for my who my father was, they would have banished me from the academy, if not the city. I have tried to show them my evidence, that the Predecessors were merely beings like us, but to them it is more lies.
My latest evidence has pointed to a massive structure, probably a temple, some ways past the Pergaen rift. I first found evidence of it in one of the most ancient texts, in some obscure passage that has probably not been looked at for thousands of generations. It was mentioned in some sort of ritual, and seemed to be extremely prominent in the Predecessor culture. After I found the text, I was able to identify references in almost every other piece of Predecessor history that we have to it. This temple was clearly central to everything the Predecessors did; their very existence seemed to center around it.
I have been searching for this temple for over 30 days now, with no sign of it; there hasn't been any sign of Predecessor artifacts at all. I keep venturing further out from the city, but the area past the Pergaen rift is wild and full of dangers. It has to be out there, all the evidence points to it, and more than that, I feel it. I plan to venture out again today, further than before. I must find this temple; not only for me, but for my people.

New Beginning

A little over a year ago I was presented with some news that changed my life. Now, it's not nearly as drastic as what most people might think on hearing such words, but I it has changed how I look at my life, and how I am living it currently. After having a routine blood check, I was informed that I had a low blood cell count. I didn't really know what it meant, but my doctor suggested I take some iron supplements. I did so, and had my blood checked again in about a month. The results came back, and I still ended up having a low blood cell count, but this time they showed signs of having plenty of iron. I still didn't know what that meant for me (except that it probably wasn't the best), and my doctor asked me to get a few more tests to determine the real cause. I continued with my life as usual for the next couple of weeks, until the doctor got back to me with the results. He informed me that I had hypothyroidism, and I should see a doctor as soon as possible. He had taken the liberty to contact one he knew and get me an appointment later in the week. I reluctantly agreed to go, not understanding why it was so necessary to go to a doctor so soon. After all, I was able to walk for almost an hour to my job at the time, no worse for wear.

The day arrived, and I headed to the doctors, hoping that it wouldn't take too long as I still needed to get to work later in the day. I did the customary wait for 30 minutes past your appointment time, and then was admitted to another room to wait another 15 for the doctor. Finally she came in, and started to ask me a few questions about how I felt, while perusing my medical chart. As I always do, I gave the non-committal 'I'm feeling fine' answer; I didn't feel any worse than a normal day. While I was responding, giving a slight shrug to complement my vague answer, the doctor's eyes grew wide and she blurted out words you never want to hear a doctor say; "Oh shit.".

I suppose I should have grasped the seriousness of my situation at this time, but I wasn't really paying attention and didn't piece together what the doctor had said. The next words however, got my attention a little more. "How are you even functioning?!" I gave a small chuckle and shrug, not really sure how to provide an answer I thought obvious. I was alive wasn't I? Wouldn't that mean that I was functioning? The doctor proceeded to explain to me exactly what the condition was and what symptoms might accompany it.

Some of the main symptoms included difficulty to focus or think, feeling cold, slow metabolism, fatigue, and numerous others (apparently the thyroid is a pretty big deal). The doctor asked if I had difficulty in school, or at work which I easily replied, 'No, I did well in school', and 'No, I'm doing fine at work' (not that my work was that intensive at the time). I commented that I did feel like I wasn't able to do as much as I felt I should, like I couldn't keep up with the people around me. I also would get could hands or feet often, even in the summer.

I finished my appointment with more rounds of blood tests, to which I would learn of the results in a few days. Even with the knowledge of my condition and what the symptoms were, I still did not really know what it would mean. The doctor told me that I'd have to take a pill for the rest of my life, a simple supplement to provide my body with the thyroid hormone it couldn't produce. Other than that, I figured my life would be pretty much the same. After the results came in, my doctor pointed them out to me, including how far off they were from normal results (they were quite staggering). I was given a prescription, and started to take the pill every morning. Thus began the rest of my life....

To Type or Write, That is....A Very Good Question

In continuing my trend of actually posting to my blog, I return tonight with a virtual pen in my hand and virtual ink by my side, as it were. Unfortunately, the virtual word does not provide an adequate platform for unique penmanship, so I must content myself with one of several preordained fonts. I have been thinking on this a bit recently, and it has occurred to me that many people do not have mastery of script; keyboards are more the norm in our modern age. While there is a benefit to storing thoughts or information electronically, either for quick access or mass storage, there is also something that is missed by not feeling the words flowing out of your hand. I can not claim to be one standing alone against this trend; I use computers at all times of the day. But perhaps I should spend some time to write with a pen, if only a few words. 

In a similar vein, I have been using the art of the pen (or pencil in this case) to perform just that; art. I haven't drawn much recently (none at all really), but I used to draw when I was younger. I took a drawing class during a summer too far back to really remember with any clarity, and an art class as I drew near the end of my high school career. While I do feel the need to draw, it is quite overwhelming to take the pen and create the first line. There are so many good artists out there, that it seems as if their work overshadows you. This is my biggest obstacle in this regard presently. I must keep picking up the pen however, and keep creating the first line. In time, perhaps I will be able to move on to a second....

Back?

Ok, so I was definitely supposed to make a post sooner, and the decidedly lack of posts for the past 2 months illustrates how lazy I can truly be. Well, let's hope that I can change that a bit, if not completely. For tonight, the post will be fairly short, as I am writing this more on a whim as in an effort to actually change my ways. So....don't expect too much. In fact, I think I'll end the post right there.

What was I supposed to....?

Unfortunately I've slacked on my previous goal of one post a week, but I've managed to stick close to it so I think I can let myself slide this time. I was thinking about a topic for a post earlier, but I forgot to write it down at the time. Instead, I'll just make this post about forgot-fullness, specifically mine. I find that I tend to forgot details a lot, at least in terms of information I need. For example, I will forget details of programming even though programming is my job. What is quite amusing to me is that I'll remember specifics about video games I play. While it's obvious that I enjoy video games more than programming which contributes to how well I remember it, I believe that there is another factor involved. Video games are about play, while work and education are not. If play was incorporated into education more, or more aspects of life, memory could improve. Some of this is the responsibility of the individual, as we can't expect our whole life to be a game. Education could use an infusion of this though, which is something I've thought of in the past and still believe that I should look into more in the future. I'm going to stop the post there, as this could easily snowball into a much longer one and it would best be served for a more specific post. So I'll close this post with this thought; try to add play to your life, and it might feel a lot better. I know I plan to.

Friends

This weekend I had the fortune of having a gaming extravaganza with almost all my friends. I hadn't seen many of them in a while, and it was good to have time away from work and visit my friends again. This get together was hosted by best friend Dustin, and we were able to throw together several televisions and XBoxs for some massive games. The main games of this event were Gears of War 2 and Left 4 Dead 2, letting us play as one team our against each other. It had been a while since I had participated in multi-player like this, and it was nice to see it come back so easily. We had some excellent games, and I hope that soon there will be many more.

Safe travels, and see you soon.

Most of us take for granted the friends and family we have around us. How many of us have actually been in a situation where we were forced to leave those that we cared for or cared for us behind? A few of us probably experienced it as a child when we moved; I was in that situation myself. However, as children we are quick to make new friends and our social experience is ever changing, causing the pain to quickly fade away. Recently, one of my friends, the best friend of one of my friends, and the girlfriend of one of my friends was put in a situation that is forcing her to move a thousand miles away. Knowing what those around me mean to me, I can't imagine how difficult it must be for her to be torn away from all that she is familiar with.
I have only really 'known' her for about four months now, but I am very good friends with her best friend. To me, a friendship extends not only to a friend them self, but to those the friend cares about as well. So from that I send this message, a reminder that no matter where you are, your friends will never really be far away. We will miss you, and await your return. Since goodbye has such finality attached to it, I'll end with this. Safe travels, and see you soon.

My second week

So. NaNo. NaNoWriMo. National Novel Writer's Month. It is the trial that all aspiring writers must pass, and the one in which all aspiring writers will ultimately fail. NaNo takes place during the entire month of November, and is a competition to see if a writer can write 50,000 words in the thirty days. At first glance, you may think that 50,000 words is not many at all. I mean, it is only 1,667 words a day which can equate to about 3 to 4 hours of writing. Even with a full time job, a committed person could do that. The hardship doesn't come from writing the words in one day, it comes from writing the words every day (trust me, I know).
This is my first year participating in Nano, and my first week went well. I wrote every day after coming home from work, and was able to top the 1,667 goal by a couple hundred every day. Of course, then came the weekend. All of a sudden I felt myself not wanting to write. I had practically worked continuously for the whole week, and I just wanted a bit of relaxation. And thus began my infamous second week. I wrote very little during my second week, adding a few hundred words here, and a few hundred there. It was difficult to muster up the motivation, and I feared that I would not actually reach the 50,000 goal. I tried to force myself to write, even if the words were meaningless, but this only pushed the work further away. What was I do?
Luckily for me I have friends participating in NaNo as well. And with friends comes competition. I set a challenge to two of my friends, I would surpass their word count by the end of the weekend! I sat down at the computer and found words flowing out of me like they had before. Scenes that I would find boring and difficult to write before now seemed easy to push past. I was enjoying my story once again.
By the end of the weekend I was unable to surpass either of their word counts much to my chagrin, but I had pushed myself to just below the current daily word goal. That was just yesterday, and I still have half a month left, but I am hopeful for the future. I conquered my second week, and next, the whole month!

I like to move it move it

I was thinking about putting a post up about an activity that I am participating this month. It is known to many as NaNo, and to others as Hell. However, I have decided that I will blog about that in a different post, and devote this blog to an activity that I am not participating in. Dance. I have always been fascinated by people who perform such complicated and intensive dances. They have so much control over their body, able to make it move in such a precise way. They move in ways that make it seem as if there are no limits, as if the body could flow like water to take any form. Not only have I been fascinated by it, but I envy it as well. Whenever I get the opportunity or whenever I find a video demonstrating such dance moves I like to watch it, hoping that eventually it will inspire me to do more than just envy it. So I'm dedicating this post to anyone that dances. It doesn't matter how good you think you are, it doesn't matter if you do it for yourself or other people. Just keep on dancing. Keep on moving.

Returning to the fold

So, it's been a while since I've posted anything on this blog. Not that I ever posted much to begin with. However, I believe that should change. My main goal for this blog was to try to get all my thoughts written down in the hope that I would refine them better. This is still my intention, so I'm setting a goal for myself right now; post something on this blog at least once a week. Hopefully that will get me to post on the blog more, but won't overwhelm me as I try out this experiment.

...a giant leap

I spent a lot of time in the past year thinking about the direction I would like my new life to take. My "education" was not what I wanted it to be, and I find myself doing just what I had hoped to avoid by getting it. I wake up every morning to go to a job for the single reason of making money. I feel no attachment to the job; I find the actual work to be a waste of what resources remain on the planet. While I have no desire to remain there, what else am I to do? Our great society has seen fit to put a value on everything, the food we eat, the shelter we reside in, even our very health. If we do not find a way to match that value, our lives are essential forfeit. I do agree that everyone needs to contribute to society, but the real question is what value to you assign our contributions? The backbones of our society, teachers, firefighters, store workers, have some of the lowest paying jobs. If all the essentials of life have a value, and we associate value to peoples contributions to offset this, then why do the necessary jobs have such a low value? Until we realize the true value of everything we have, our society will never improve its conditions, no matter how advanced or bright we think we are.

One small step...

I'm a recent college graduate, receiving my Master's degree in Computer Science, and find that the path I set on is not quite what I expected. There are several factors which I believe contributed to this, most of them probably my own fault. As the title of this blog implies, I've set myself on a journey to find what I truly want out of life. Here I will chronicle my discoveries and failures as I work towards pax aeterna.

Stepping through the portal

He cautiously pushed the door open with the tips of his fingertips. A faint light shone through the crack, revealing a slice of his face as he peered through it. He had heard of this door from others; how it could bring answers, or even more questions. Was this really what he wanted to do? He craved answers, but everything was so confusing right now that he didn't think he needed anymore questions. The air coming through the crack was cold, but fresh, surrounding his breath with a blanket of condensation. With a small chuckle, he moved closer to the door, pushing it open a little further. This was something, new, different. It was time to change things, to take a new path. With one final breath, he pushed open the door and stepped through.

And so began his Expiscor ex iter itineris

And so began my journey of discovery