“Pure logic is the ruin of the spirit.” - Antoine de Saint-Exupery

Humans are creatures of emotion, there is no denying it. Without emotion, we would be nothing more than a calculating machine, little more than a computer made out of flesh and blood. Without emotion, we would have no purpose in life. What point would there be to reaching for the stars if their beauty did not fill our hearts with such wonderment? What would be the point of risking our lives  for those around us, if we did not ache at their pain?


Yet, even though our emotions give so much meaning to our lives, they can cause us so much grief. When a loved one dies, when those we care about turn their backs on us, we are filled with so much pain. This pain can stay with us for days, filling our every thought and hindering our lives. Our what of longing? Why must we crave what is seemingly beyond our reach, why must we put so much effort into attaining it when it might slip out of our grasp in the end? Might we be better served without emotion? As Spock would say, "We disposed of emotion, Doctor. Where there is no emotion, there is no motive for violence." 


However, despite the seeming disadvantages of emotion, I would argue that our emotions are one of our greatest assets. While the Vulcans in Star Trek aspire to be rid of their emotions so that logic is the ruling factor in their decisions, they did so because their emotions were so overwhelming, so beyond their control that their entire species was driven to centuries of war because of it. As all good sci-fi does, the Vulcans reflect a side of humanity, the argument of logic over emotion.


In truth, ridding ourselves of emotion is not the answer. Emotion is in everything we do. While it lures us with empty promises, and false hopes, it also drives us to protect those we care about, it pushes us to do our very best. Instead of trying to escape our emotions, we should understand them and learn from them. Why do we feel the things we do?

I for one, have found myself feeling all sorts of conflicting emotions in the past year. I tried to sort them out, but I haven't given myself much direction. In a series of following posts, I plan on talking about different emotions. Specifically, what I think they represent, and how I feel it affects me. When this is all done, maybe I'll have more answers. Perhaps you will, too.

Apologies

Ok. I'm sorry. I said I would do it, and I didn't. I'd like to say it won't happen again, except it probably will. I'm lazy. When I do drag myself to do something, it's not usually very productive. That's just who I am. I've tried to fix it, I really have. And I'll keep trying to fix it, but that doesn't mean everything will be fine overnight. Please, don't get mad. I know I probably deserve it, but I never meant to leave you hanging. I know I've said that before. No, I can't promise this time will be different. I know it probably doesn't mean much anymore, but I am telling you, and I mean every word of it, I will try to post more. I've been thinking a lot about it lately, because it has bothered me more. I wish I could have been better to begin with, but I kept telling myself, "I'll post later". I can't keep telling myself that anymore, and I've got to start doing it. So, I'm going to make the effort, starting tonight right now. One post, coming up.

Questions

Questions, questions questions, why do you haunt me so?

Keeping Quota

I was sitting down at my computer, writing up some code and chatting with friends, when I remembered that I hadn't made a blog post in a while. I'm trying not to slack on my blog too much; it holds me to writing every now and then. Unfortunately I'm not really feeling a good mood coalesce in my head right now, so I shall through these words up into the webbisphere to keep up with posting with my blog. Bleh, there it goes.

Transformations Part 1: I Have the Power!

In an earlier post, I detailed the events that led me to discover my condition. As I stated, I really had no idea how huge an impact my condition had had on my life, and thought the treatment would have an affect akin to my allergy medication. Overall, I would feel no different, but I might be able to avoid some times where I was feeling particularly downtrodden. While I had been prescribed a dosage of my pill, I was told that I should return to the doctor every month for the next couple of months to get it fine tuned. This made sense to me, as even my allergy medication has changed dosage over the years I have taken it. Over the next couple of months I didn't notice any big changes, and I got my thyroid levels tested again as per the doctors orders. My dosage did drop a bit, which made me a feel a bit better as I would not be taking a more concentrated pill (the less medication I need to take the better in my opinion).

During this time I able to procure another job, one more suited to the education (or lack thereof) that I received over the past 6 years. During this time, the winter of 2010 to be precise, I was paying close attention to how I felt, trying to see if there was any noticeable change. The only change that my body seemed to go under though, was a pain in my knees. They didn't seem to want to hold my weight anymore, and I would struggle walking down stairs or even running. This disturbed, as I thought I was supposed to be feeling better with this medication. However, true to my nature, I did not immediately call the doctor, and just ignored it like some ache that will go away.

Winter turned into spring and I got my first apartment, giving me the first opportunity to really live on my own. The weather started to warm up, giving everyone the chance to enjoy the outside once more. It was during this time that I really started to notice the changes to my system. The pain in my knees had finally gone away, leaving me with no indication of why I had it, and I started walking outside a lot more. It was warm and sunny, and I felt like I was breathing fresh air for the first time. When I walked, I felt like I could burst forward at any moment, freely running just for the sake of it. I had not run in a very long time, and it felt good to feel that energy again. On some occasions, I would sprint down the sidewalk to my destination, I'm sure to everyone's puzzlement. If I was trying to catch a train and saw it arriving as I entered the station, I could run and catch it! My whole body seemed to tremble with energy, bringing me back to my childhood days of climbing trees and swinging on monkey bars. I was born again, and the world was so much more this time around!

The increased energy was the most prominent change, and the most welcome. Unfortunately, the energy showed itself in aspects other than physical exertion. I would soon find myself struggling to control emotions that I had thought were managed...

Dear Diary: Writing Challenge from Kit Fox

Day 123 in the Yerta Season of the Hessinan Year
My searches have turned up nothing so far, but I still believe I am on the right track. The academy masters still scold me for what they call "sacrilegious investigations". They worship the Predecessors like Gods, and will not tolerate anyone thinking otherwise. If it were not for my who my father was, they would have banished me from the academy, if not the city. I have tried to show them my evidence, that the Predecessors were merely beings like us, but to them it is more lies.
My latest evidence has pointed to a massive structure, probably a temple, some ways past the Pergaen rift. I first found evidence of it in one of the most ancient texts, in some obscure passage that has probably not been looked at for thousands of generations. It was mentioned in some sort of ritual, and seemed to be extremely prominent in the Predecessor culture. After I found the text, I was able to identify references in almost every other piece of Predecessor history that we have to it. This temple was clearly central to everything the Predecessors did; their very existence seemed to center around it.
I have been searching for this temple for over 30 days now, with no sign of it; there hasn't been any sign of Predecessor artifacts at all. I keep venturing further out from the city, but the area past the Pergaen rift is wild and full of dangers. It has to be out there, all the evidence points to it, and more than that, I feel it. I plan to venture out again today, further than before. I must find this temple; not only for me, but for my people.

New Beginning

A little over a year ago I was presented with some news that changed my life. Now, it's not nearly as drastic as what most people might think on hearing such words, but I it has changed how I look at my life, and how I am living it currently. After having a routine blood check, I was informed that I had a low blood cell count. I didn't really know what it meant, but my doctor suggested I take some iron supplements. I did so, and had my blood checked again in about a month. The results came back, and I still ended up having a low blood cell count, but this time they showed signs of having plenty of iron. I still didn't know what that meant for me (except that it probably wasn't the best), and my doctor asked me to get a few more tests to determine the real cause. I continued with my life as usual for the next couple of weeks, until the doctor got back to me with the results. He informed me that I had hypothyroidism, and I should see a doctor as soon as possible. He had taken the liberty to contact one he knew and get me an appointment later in the week. I reluctantly agreed to go, not understanding why it was so necessary to go to a doctor so soon. After all, I was able to walk for almost an hour to my job at the time, no worse for wear.

The day arrived, and I headed to the doctors, hoping that it wouldn't take too long as I still needed to get to work later in the day. I did the customary wait for 30 minutes past your appointment time, and then was admitted to another room to wait another 15 for the doctor. Finally she came in, and started to ask me a few questions about how I felt, while perusing my medical chart. As I always do, I gave the non-committal 'I'm feeling fine' answer; I didn't feel any worse than a normal day. While I was responding, giving a slight shrug to complement my vague answer, the doctor's eyes grew wide and she blurted out words you never want to hear a doctor say; "Oh shit.".

I suppose I should have grasped the seriousness of my situation at this time, but I wasn't really paying attention and didn't piece together what the doctor had said. The next words however, got my attention a little more. "How are you even functioning?!" I gave a small chuckle and shrug, not really sure how to provide an answer I thought obvious. I was alive wasn't I? Wouldn't that mean that I was functioning? The doctor proceeded to explain to me exactly what the condition was and what symptoms might accompany it.

Some of the main symptoms included difficulty to focus or think, feeling cold, slow metabolism, fatigue, and numerous others (apparently the thyroid is a pretty big deal). The doctor asked if I had difficulty in school, or at work which I easily replied, 'No, I did well in school', and 'No, I'm doing fine at work' (not that my work was that intensive at the time). I commented that I did feel like I wasn't able to do as much as I felt I should, like I couldn't keep up with the people around me. I also would get could hands or feet often, even in the summer.

I finished my appointment with more rounds of blood tests, to which I would learn of the results in a few days. Even with the knowledge of my condition and what the symptoms were, I still did not really know what it would mean. The doctor told me that I'd have to take a pill for the rest of my life, a simple supplement to provide my body with the thyroid hormone it couldn't produce. Other than that, I figured my life would be pretty much the same. After the results came in, my doctor pointed them out to me, including how far off they were from normal results (they were quite staggering). I was given a prescription, and started to take the pill every morning. Thus began the rest of my life....

To Type or Write, That is....A Very Good Question

In continuing my trend of actually posting to my blog, I return tonight with a virtual pen in my hand and virtual ink by my side, as it were. Unfortunately, the virtual word does not provide an adequate platform for unique penmanship, so I must content myself with one of several preordained fonts. I have been thinking on this a bit recently, and it has occurred to me that many people do not have mastery of script; keyboards are more the norm in our modern age. While there is a benefit to storing thoughts or information electronically, either for quick access or mass storage, there is also something that is missed by not feeling the words flowing out of your hand. I can not claim to be one standing alone against this trend; I use computers at all times of the day. But perhaps I should spend some time to write with a pen, if only a few words. 

In a similar vein, I have been using the art of the pen (or pencil in this case) to perform just that; art. I haven't drawn much recently (none at all really), but I used to draw when I was younger. I took a drawing class during a summer too far back to really remember with any clarity, and an art class as I drew near the end of my high school career. While I do feel the need to draw, it is quite overwhelming to take the pen and create the first line. There are so many good artists out there, that it seems as if their work overshadows you. This is my biggest obstacle in this regard presently. I must keep picking up the pen however, and keep creating the first line. In time, perhaps I will be able to move on to a second....

Back?

Ok, so I was definitely supposed to make a post sooner, and the decidedly lack of posts for the past 2 months illustrates how lazy I can truly be. Well, let's hope that I can change that a bit, if not completely. For tonight, the post will be fairly short, as I am writing this more on a whim as in an effort to actually change my ways. So....don't expect too much. In fact, I think I'll end the post right there.